Last week I talked about the day Christian was diagnosed and the emotions that quickly followed receiving that news.
We found out on a Wednesday, and it took us until over the weekend to overcome the sadness and worry that we were feeling. That Monday morning we woke up, and we were ready to fight this with Christian. I think I spent every minute of my time for about a week researching anything and everything I could that might help Christian. It was also during that time that Craig and I knew we wanted to dedicate our marathons and triathlons to Autism. However, we found no groups for Autism that we could be a part of. So during that week is when we started we I Tri 4 Autism. We felt pretty ambitious about our plans to help Christian and to make a difference for families affected by Autism. We made a game plan of every treatment or diet that we wanted to start doing for Christian, and planned them out month by month, starting September 1st. The first thing we did we the Gluten/Casein free diet. Which means we cut out ALL dairy and wheat from our diets. This was a huge deal because Christian had about 5-10 foods he would willingly eat, and nearly everyone of those foods would have to be eliminated.
We started the diet, just as planned and Christian literally went through a withdrawal period. His body wanted his typical foods and he didn't like what was being offered to him. He regressed very quickly. He began head-banging against walls and the ground. He began punching me in the face when angry. He was throwing tantrums like we had never experienced from him. At this point, he still wasn't really talking, so he couldn't express to us what was wrong. This went on for 3 weeks. It was only a couple of days into that 3 weeks that I broke. I completely lost it. I had zero energy left in my body to coupe with what was going on with Christian, and take care of Daniel and I had a little girl I was babysitting. Mentally I was spent and emotionally I was a wreck. I was hurting, bad.
Everyday during that time period, I laid on our living room and just cried. I cried in angry for why my son. I couldn't make sense of it. I grieved for my son. After Christian past 3 weeks on this diet, he reverted right back to the child I knew, and to a child that no longer had sensory issues with foods. He would eat just about anything we placed in front of him. So the diet was helping in that aspect. But for me, I didn't come out of that funk I was in. I was really depressed, and I stayed that way for months. I mean, it was an incredibly dark time for me. I couldn't be around people, especially people with children the same age. I resented them. I cried for hours on end just about every day. I needed help. I needed someone to understand. I didn't have anyone that had a child with Autism that could relate or help me. I was lost and alone and wasn't making things any better by pushing my friends away, just because they had "normal" children.
Luckily I had some amazing friends that understood and were patient with me during that time and didn't hold it against me for being such a terrible friend. I also had friends that didn't understand, and I lost friends too.
It wasn't until mid-November that God picked me up and told me to fight again for Christian. He gave me the strength to let go of the pain and angry I was holding in. He got me past the grieving process I was in. He gave me the strength to decide to get back to doing what it took to help Christian through this. I finally felt normal again, it was still difficult for me to be around other 3 year olds, sometimes still is to this day, but I definetly no longer had the angry and resentment that I felt before.
There were still very big decisions to be made for Christian shortly after that point, but I couldn't have done it if God hadn't lifted me from the months of depression I was going through. I knew I needed to trust Him and the plan he set forth for Christian. I really leaned on the verse Jeremiah 29:11- 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.' Every time we hit a rough patch, I'd just pray and be reminded of those words, and my fears would be taken away and hope would be restored back in me. Some of the decisions that needed to be made for Christian (like school) were 100% not what I wanted. I did not agree with what God wanted us to do for Christian, and what I wanted to do for Christian. But gosh, trusting in Him and letting him guide us has been so much more rewarding than fighting it and trying to do it on my own. He has time and time again shown us that he is faithful and will care for us, if we trust in Him. He is faithful, always.
No comments:
Post a Comment