I Can Do All Things.....

Through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13

I get told far too often from people that they don't know how I handle everything that has been handed to us. That tends to lead to them saying that they couldn't handle everything the way that I do. Maybe they're just saying that to be nice to me or make me feel better about different things I encounter. But I think I hold it together better on the outside than what is really going on inside. I go through highs and lows with everything that goes on with the boys. I don't think it's ever easy, but sometimes I feel like I have control and a handle on things, then there are times that I feel like I'm drowning and not sure how I can possibly find the strength to keep my head up for the kids. But then God reminds me that I have strength in him and he will lift me and get me through it. And really, that's the only way that I get through anything, high or low.

Lately I've been in a long going low. A lot of things are contributing to it, not just the different conditions of the boys. I nearly 10 weeks from my shoulder surgery, and still have minimal use of my right arm and still continue to be in pain. Nearly 3 months without 2 arms and being in pain equates to a lot of frustration for me, which turns to stress. I also now have to be doing physical therapy for 4-7 hours a day. A DAY. Who has time for that? But now I don't have a choice in the matter.

Then we've been having problems with both the boys. We put it all together last week and decided that the boys have a gluten intolerance. They both have nearly every sign/symptom of having this intolerance. But for weeks upon weeks prior to us putting it all together, we've been dealing with their symptoms. One of the symptoms are aggression and behavioral issues, which the boys have had, big time. It's been difficult to cope with everything they've been going through with this, which has lead to even further stress on this Mommy. I also have some personal issues that I am trying to deal with.

All of this has added up, and left me feeling like I am sinking. Like the waters have started to come up over my head.

But then God sends me signs that he hears my cries and he is with me. This morning I was driving to a health fair that I was working at. I was crying and praying. Well, I was more like calling out for help. I said: 'Lord, I'm drowning. I need your help. I need the help with the boys and I need strength. I feel like I'm alone and I need you. I need your help.' There was more said, but that's what I'll share. I was listening to JoyFm as I was driving and crying and praying. Nearly immediately after I finished saying my prayer, the song Listen to the Sound by Building 429 came on. Here come the tears again! The first verse was exactly what I was feeling. Here is the first verse:

Are you in over your head

Are you in water so deep you're drowning

Do you think you've been left

And there is no one to feel your hurting

Well, everyone has been there

And everybody's felt lost

If you're in over your head

Lift it up, Lift it up

Wow, talk about a sign straight from God that he hears me. My God that created this entire earth, the whole universe, created everything, is listening to ME. Sitting in my passenger seat this morning hearing my pleas. It amazes me no matter how many times I attempt to fathom it. It's humbling. Then after that song, Laura Story's song Blessings came on. One of my favorite songs right now. It's a song that always tugs at my heart.

Here are each of the songs:

Listen to the Sound By Building 429

Blessings By Laura Story

I only have the strength that I have is from Christ. Even when I'm hurting or feel like I can't do it, God is always with us and guiding us through. It might be painful, but it's part of his plan and will make us stronger in Christ. And knowing that God is with me every step of my trials, pulls me through the difficult times. It may not make the circumstances easier or go away, but where my heart and mind are makes me stronger to endure and push through

I can do through all things through Christ who strengthens me. Philippians 4:13

In the same way I was with Moses, I'll be with you. I won't leave you. So be strong and courageous. Give it everything you have, heart and soul. Don't be timid; don't get discouraged. God, your God, is with you every step you take. Joshua 1:4-9

Daniel is 3!!

My baby is 3 years old today, how did 3 years fly by that fast? My dear little Daniel, you are growing up just way too fast. You are such a fun, crazy little boy. From very early on, I've said that you are just like your Aunt Brianna, and that hasn't changed a bit (Oh Lord, please help me with that one!! JK Brianna!! :)

You are so strong willed and determined to do things. It's funny because I say all that time that you act like a middle child, and your aren't one (at least not yet, maybe you know something we don't). But you are so much fun. You are my little cuddle child and super attached to your Mommy and have been like that since day 1. You also really look up to your big brother. You are hit little shadow and want to do everything that he does, but Christian isn't so keen on that. It's really funny because your Aunt Brianna was just like that to me, and I hated it growing up. I was independent (much like Christian is) and Brianna wanted to follow me everywhere and do everything I did. It drove me crazy. But now I see you doing it to Christian and it's such a different perspective. You just love your brother so much, so we try to find a balance of giving him his space when he needs it, and making sure he lets you play with him too. Everyone says that you are just the happiest little boy. You bring joy to everyone around you.

You are such a sweet, compassionate little boy, and it is the greatest honor to me to get to watch you grow each and every day. I love you my sweet little boy!!

Here is a little picture video I made for Daniel, and you can view it here: http://youtu.be/k9-AGct0MUk

Children are a heritage from the LORD, offspring a reward from him. Like arrows in the hand of warrior are children born in one's youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. They will not be put to shame when they contend with their opponents in court. Psalm 127:3-5

Finding a Happy-Medium

I think I've come to a good compromise with the boys. It's been a strict rule of mine not to have toys in the living room. It drives me crazy to have toys everywhere, and I don't deal well with chaos of messes. I know that it seems weird or mean that I won't let them have toys upstairs, but it just becomes too chaotic for me to have stuff everywhere. Plus, I have clients that I train here at the house and I was driving myself crazy constantly cleaning up toys from all over the living room. So to keep Mom's sanity, no toys allowed upstairs. The boys have a very large space in the basement that is all fixed up and filled with so many toys that it's a little ridiculous. But....... The boys are terrified of the basement. They will not go down there without me or Craig. One time I tried to bribe them to go downstairs (I desperately needed just a short time to myself) so I gave Christian a kitchen timer, set it for 20 minutes and told them that if they went downstairs and played all by themselves until the timer went off I'd take them to the store and let them pick out a small train. Yeah.... that didn't work. It did for a few minutes then something made them panic and they lost it and were back up stairs screaming and crying. I think it's the fact that if they are downstairs, they can hear me walking around upstairs, and that noise freaks them out, but that's the only logical thing I can come up with.

Anyways, we've fought this battle of them needing to learn to play on their own, without me being right at their sides, for several months. It's hard because they won't leave my side. They lay around in the living room or hang onto me. They don't want me out of their sight. And it's hard to explain without making my kids sound like brats or badly behaving children, because that's not the case. Noises in our world just scare them and I think they like to keep me close in case they hear something and need to dart to Mom. But this entirely wears me out. I have a lot of patience, but sometimes all the patience in the world isn't enough to have your children crying and whining all day.

This week I finally decided that I NEED them to play on their own at some point during the day. I can't sit by their sides all day long, and they can't lay around all day. So, a comprise was made. I took the boys down to their playroom, gave them each a large plastic tote, and told them they can pick the toys they'd like to have in their bedrooms. They boy scattered around the room picking up their favorite toys and started filling their totes. We then carried their totes and put them in each of their rooms. And all afternoon, they played together with their toys. My rule is that toys have to stay in the bedrooms. And they've been OK with that so far. They are learning to play together, and independently, and I'm getting some much needed time to myself to clean and have my quiet time in prayer. The crying over noises has also seemed to decrease, and I think that it's because they are so distracted by playing together. Let's see if this continues.... we might be onto something here!!

Sacrifices and the Payoffs- Part 3 Autism Awareness

In December of 2009, 5 months after Christian was diagnosed with Autism from his pediatrician, we got in to see a neurologist that specialized in Autism. He then formally diagnosed Christian with PDD-NOS, Pervasive developmental disorder-not otherwise specified. PDD-NOS falls on the Autism Spectrum. He told us Christian needed a therapy called ABA therapy (Applied Behavioral Analysis). We immediately looked into this, and it was not covered by insurance and it was a very expensive therapy. It'd cost us about $1500 a month for this therapy for Christian, but we knew he needed this therapy. We are the type that want to do anything and everything we can to help our children, and we'll do whatever it takes to help them. With lots of prayer, and lots of serious decision making, we came to the conclusion that I'd do his ABA therapy for him. This meant that I was going to have to quit my baby-sitting job that I was doing, because ABA therapy is intense and it takes hours each and every day. It was going to be a huge deal for our family, but our kids are worth it. We bought student textbooks on ABA therapy for children with Autism, and I read them. The school district that we are in had an ABA therapist, and I asked the school if she could help give me direction and make sure that I am implementing this program properly for Christian. They had to go through the district to make sure that she was allowed to do this, as they had never had a parent want to do their child's therapy themselves. The district agreed, and the therapist help me put together a program. In February of 2010, we started Christian's ABA therapy. It literally took me hours upon hours each day of doing his therapy over and over again. It was hard because it was so repetitive, but so rewarding as I personally got to see Christian making progress and developmentally flourishing. When we started his therapy in Feb. 2010 (at age 3 years and 7 months) he couldn't answer questions. At all. You'd ask a simple yes/no question and he litteraly couldn't come up with the answer. By June of 2010, just 4 months, he was answering yes/no questions and even more complex questions in which he'd have to give an answering. He was able to start categorizing people and objects. His speech improved immensely. I mean, in March of 2010, no one could understand a word he said. He sounded like he spoke in gibberish. By October of 2010, his speech was nearly at that of a "normal" 4 year old. Clearly, ABA therapy was an amazing therapy that worked wonders for Christian. In October of 2010, he was able to answer questions well enough to take an IQ test, and he tested gifted. 10 months earlier, he could hardly talk or comprehend questions or communication. None of this time period came easy for us though. There were serious sacrifices that were made by the entire family and some days were just down right grueling and I'd question my sanity on why on earth were we doing this. But the payoffs in the end were so so worth it. We pray and pray for both the boys and let the Lord lead us in the direction that he calls us in the raising and treatments for the boys. Sometimes it doesn't make sense to us why things happen in our lives, but trusting that the Lord is guiding our directions and has a plan set forth for you, makes sense in everything. Proverbs 3:5-6 "Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight" Just on a side note, In May of 2010, a bill was passed in the state of Missouri that all ABA therapy and other treatments for Autism MUST be covered by insurance. Insurance could no longer discriminate against Autism. Hooray!! This was huge for families affected by Autism that have not been able to receive treatments for their children's Autism, just as we had experienced many times before.

Autism Awareness-(Part 2) My emotional journey and God's Mercies

Last week I talked about the day Christian was diagnosed and the emotions that quickly followed receiving that news.

We found out on a Wednesday, and it took us until over the weekend to overcome the sadness and worry that we were feeling. That Monday morning we woke up, and we were ready to fight this with Christian. I think I spent every minute of my time for about a week researching anything and everything I could that might help Christian. It was also during that time that Craig and I knew we wanted to dedicate our marathons and triathlons to Autism. However, we found no groups for Autism that we could be a part of. So during that week is when we started we I Tri 4 Autism. We felt pretty ambitious about our plans to help Christian and to make a difference for families affected by Autism. We made a game plan of every treatment or diet that we wanted to start doing for Christian, and planned them out month by month, starting September 1st. The first thing we did we the Gluten/Casein free diet. Which means we cut out ALL dairy and wheat from our diets. This was a huge deal because Christian had about 5-10 foods he would willingly eat, and nearly everyone of those foods would have to be eliminated.

We started the diet, just as planned and Christian literally went through a withdrawal period. His body wanted his typical foods and he didn't like what was being offered to him. He regressed very quickly. He began head-banging against walls and the ground. He began punching me in the face when angry. He was throwing tantrums like we had never experienced from him. At this point, he still wasn't really talking, so he couldn't express to us what was wrong. This went on for 3 weeks. It was only a couple of days into that 3 weeks that I broke. I completely lost it. I had zero energy left in my body to coupe with what was going on with Christian, and take care of Daniel and I had a little girl I was babysitting. Mentally I was spent and emotionally I was a wreck. I was hurting, bad.

Everyday during that time period, I laid on our living room and just cried. I cried in angry for why my son. I couldn't make sense of it. I grieved for my son. After Christian past 3 weeks on this diet, he reverted right back to the child I knew, and to a child that no longer had sensory issues with foods. He would eat just about anything we placed in front of him. So the diet was helping in that aspect. But for me, I didn't come out of that funk I was in. I was really depressed, and I stayed that way for months. I mean, it was an incredibly dark time for me. I couldn't be around people, especially people with children the same age. I resented them. I cried for hours on end just about every day. I needed help. I needed someone to understand. I didn't have anyone that had a child with Autism that could relate or help me. I was lost and alone and wasn't making things any better by pushing my friends away, just because they had "normal" children.

Luckily I had some amazing friends that understood and were patient with me during that time and didn't hold it against me for being such a terrible friend. I also had friends that didn't understand, and I lost friends too.

It wasn't until mid-November that God picked me up and told me to fight again for Christian. He gave me the strength to let go of the pain and angry I was holding in. He got me past the grieving process I was in. He gave me the strength to decide to get back to doing what it took to help Christian through this. I finally felt normal again, it was still difficult for me to be around other 3 year olds, sometimes still is to this day, but I definetly no longer had the angry and resentment that I felt before.

There were still very big decisions to be made for Christian shortly after that point, but I couldn't have done it if God hadn't lifted me from the months of depression I was going through. I knew I needed to trust Him and the plan he set forth for Christian. I really leaned on the verse Jeremiah 29:11- 'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.' Every time we hit a rough patch, I'd just pray and be reminded of those words, and my fears would be taken away and hope would be restored back in me. Some of the decisions that needed to be made for Christian (like school) were 100% not what I wanted. I did not agree with what God wanted us to do for Christian, and what I wanted to do for Christian. But gosh, trusting in Him and letting him guide us has been so much more rewarding than fighting it and trying to do it on my own. He has time and time again shown us that he is faithful and will care for us, if we trust in Him. He is faithful, always.

Autism Awareness Month- Part 1

April is Autism Awareness Month. For me, this is time of reflection, I can't help but reflect upon what has happened since the day Christian was diagnosed. I'm going to do a series of posts about our journey in hopes of raising Autism Awareness.

It's been 20 months since Christian was diagnosed. The day he was diagnosed, was a normal Wednesday for us. Christian had speech therapy at Children's hospital, which we did every Wednesday. Speech went well, then we were off to get some lunch then an afternoon doctor's appointment for Christian. It was his 3 year well-child check up. We got to the doctor's office and they gave me a bunch of evaluation forms to fill out, just as I always do when they have check ups. Nothing about it seemed unusual to me. I filled out a form called an M-CHAT, which stands for Modified Checklist for Autism in Toddlers. The form didn't say what M-CHAT stood for, I just assumed it was another form, so I filled it out. I handed the forms back in to the nurse. Then Christian's pediatrician came in. He started evaluating Christian and asking me a lot of questions. He seemed to be in the room for a really long time. He was always so wonderful about taking his time with each child, and we typically spent a lot of time in the office at each visit, but this time, he had evaluated Christian for over an hour, which started to make my heart weary. The longer he sat in the room asking questions, the more worried I became. Finally he said it: "I think Christian has Autism." I laughed at him. Literally. I told him there was nothing wrong with Christian. He gave me a stack of papers about Autism and told me to go home and speak with Craig about it then schedule an appointment with a neurologist.

I called Craig as soon as I got into the car and told him. "What!? No way! Christian doesn't have Autism" is what Craig said. We both were driving home and decided we'd look for the papers after we got home and made dinner. Craig and I sat down to dinner as we read over the papers we were given. We thought it was ridiculous that the doctor thought Christian had Autism. Then there was a moment, we both looked up at each other and knew he was right.

Christian had Autism. It was that day that our lives changed. We had a son with Autism.

How could I have missed it? How could the doctors missed it all that time? Christian was in and out of the doctor all the time from all the illnesses he had related to having vaccines. He was in therapy every week already, how come no one noticed it sooner? We contacted our family and our closest friends nearly immediately. I'm the kind of person that needs support and comfort, and I needed people to talk to. We had many of our friends and family tell us that they suspected it and thought he had Autistic traits, but they didn't want to say anything to us or hurt our feelings if they were wrong. It seemed like everyone else noticed these things, but I didn't. I felt like a horrible mom and like I did neglected something in my son. But in heinz site, I could look back and see everything that were markers that I attributed to his personality, not something that could be an indication of a condition.

Christian use to lay on the floor and just watch the wheels of his trains and car rotate. He'd do this for long periods of time. I would just always think that he just wanted to be close to the car/train and watch how it worked. He liked to play alone or do things on his own, but I thought he was independent, much like his Mom. I never noticed that when he was with other children, he didn't play WITH them, but he did something called parallel play, which means he played close to them without actual interaction. Christian didn't respond the first time you called his name, I just always thought he was too busy doing what he wanted to do to listen to me. Another sign of Autism is a speech delay, and at 3 Christian wasn't really talking yet, but we were always told he was so delayed because he had ear infections for 3 months at one year old, and this caused him to have a speech delay. It wasn't until he was 3 that the doctor decided it couldn't have been related to that any longer.

Some of the other signs that are typically in children with Autism include: Not making eye contact, Not sharing in an interest (like does your child bring you a toy to show you), Repetitive movement with body or objects, Resists cuddling or holding, Repeats words or phrases verbatim, but doesn't know what they mean. Developes specific routines or rituals, and you can't break them or it will greatly disrupt them. Sensitive to light, sound or touch. It almost becomes excruciating to them.

I'll continue with our journey in my next post.....

If you would like to see an M-CHAT form, you can find it here: http://www.firstsigns.org/downloads/m-chat.PDF Or if you'd like to learn more about Autism, please visit: http://www.autismspeaks.org/